Recently, I had bouts of sadness over many things. About not making it to the recent scholarships I applied for, twice. About my laptop crashing down and not working anymore, I had to use my partner’s laptop to write more posts. About not having met some of my friends for a long time, therefore isolating myself. About not having read the Bible lately. About not doing yoga because my left foot is still recovering from a fall from the stairs about three weeks ago. Seeming like it never ends really, to the point I’m sleeping late every night and eating more.
I have prayed and talked to my partner and to God about this, about why it seems to never end. To be honest, I feel jealous every time I see people, whether I personally know them or not, clocking up success after success, while I feel I haven’t progressed yet. They have their own houses, new things, new everything. Seems like everything goes well for them, but for me it doesn’t. Even when I’m celebrating myself and my little successes, their success seem to be bigger than mine.
Many nights I went to sleep crying, anxious about the future. I even had to cry in silence so that my partner would not wake up and ask me what’s going on. Even when Biblical scriptures say that I don’t need to worry about anything, I do worry because I love my writing and would love to put all my ideas into fruition so I can start earning money and have financial freedom. Some of my plans do not go the way I would like them to happen. And this has happened for years, not just one time.
But after all these feelings, these conversations, the Wiser person inside asked me, implored me even, to still fight for my inner light. To challenge myself to look for the positive side of things. To look for the good within me. To take care of myself. To list things I’m grateful for. To look at how far I’ve really come. To still follow through on my curiosities. To be happy in the moment. To still see people who care for me. To relax and enjoy the journey, despite the temporary stops, detours, accidents, and other things that would initially dishearten anyone. I never had this kinder, more compassionate, gentler Higher self years before, and I’m glad it’s inside me now. Simply because I asked years ago from God and the Universe that I need that inner light inside me and my head all the time. That I need The Gentle Voice to speak to me when things go awry and when I’m crying. So now, every time I feel myself crying or about to go on being sad the whole day, my kinder inner voice will coax me into finding even just one thing I’m grateful for that day. And then I noticed myself moving on much quicker and getting on with the rest of my day happy and doing my job sanely.
And this is what I would advice to anyone suffering from years of plans and things seemingly not going the way you want them to be, or planned to happen. Always fight for your light, my friends. Always. Never give up on finding that inner light inside you. If you had to travel to find yourself that way, that’s fine. If you are stuck in the house without anything to do, find something you do like to do. Whether it costs much, a little, or none at all, as long as you are able to finally find it, you are well on your way. Whether it takes a short time or a long time for you to figure it out, that’s okay. This is all about you and your journey.
You will eventually meet people who are great at supporting you every step of the way. Not necessarily financially, but emotionally and spiritually. You will rediscover the things you used to do as a kid but haven’t done so in years. Whether you’re married or single, with or without children, young or old, rich or poor, any skin color, any belief, you will find that if you choose to. Only if you want to. No matter what happens, always find it. The best way to find is to ask questions. If you don’t get an answer the first time, ask again. As Matthew 7:7-8 says, “Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Only by then will you realize how far you’ve really come so that you can still accomplish more, do more, and I sprinkle many blessings on your way.
Too many people die from circumstances which could have been changed if they really had the desire to live. They may have their own reasons that seem valid to them and to their loved ones, but what I do know is that as long as you and I are still alive and breathing, we still have a chance to make our lives better. To live according to what makes our souls happy. To take the opportunities as they come your way or create your own. To discover new things and rediscover old ones. To learn from mistakes and move forward. To grow, to love, to cherish, to do all other positive and life-fulfilling things.
I am writing this post not just for you reading this but is also a way of reminding myself every time I’m tempted to cry.